I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
