I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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