Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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