i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
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It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
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I have already put on my inside pants.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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