and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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