have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
