I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I won't apologize to a one balled man
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
