yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
