You were right. It hurts to walk today.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
