she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
