its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
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