Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
