Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
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isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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