My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
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