We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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