I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
