I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
