I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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