her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
