I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
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