if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
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I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
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I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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