I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
