tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
