woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
