We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
