I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
