u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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