I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
