forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
