Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
