What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
