Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I understand Curling. That high.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
