yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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