One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Randomize
