Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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