No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
