When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
