You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
