A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
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