My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Randomize
