i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
