Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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