I just pynch a tree in the face
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
