yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
