He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
