I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
