i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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