somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
