I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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