Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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