I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Randomize
