Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I just blew my weed a kiss
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize