if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
he shaved USA in his pubs
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
