it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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