Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
